This is today’s best attempt.

It seems important to lose things.

Not keys.

Not forgetting the name of the officer that just arrested you for indecent exposure. But – THINGS. ALL THINGS.

That is why Facebook Mania became a Facebook Fast. That is why my blackberry has been so busy sending and receiving messages multiple times every hour. But pardon me while I fart.

Another way of expressing it is that accumulating things will make you very heavy. You need to be nimble, light on your feet, ready to pounce, ready to run. Ready to empty your mind in the face of the Noisy One. On the grand path to the Nameless One. PERFECT. (There is such a thing as “perfect” and I can prove it in three minutes.)

Here I am at one of the most famous facilities for operating on hernias in the world – the Shouldice Hospital which is located in the York Region of Ontario in Canada. Come here and put on the fancy blue hospital outfit. Get a shave from one of their expert nurses. They will shave the hair from your groin area all the way up to your navel. Then go down into the cold room with all the beds and allow the mind altering drugs to take effect as you wait for the experienced surgeon and his knife.

Don’t panic. They have done it thousands of times before. Yes, in a way you are a piece of meat on an assembly line; in a way the surgeons don’t care about you any more than they do the dried skin off the bottom of the heel of a remote relative. But, hell, they sure do seem to know what they are doing. And the food is better than the average hospital fare.

Some sayings and parables come to mind at this time – a time of morphine and middle-aged gentlemen (very few ladies). Please ignore errors to do with grammar or meaning.

In a world where constipation is the norm, even a small amount of flatulence is considered a victory.

I stink and that is a signal from the healing angels that I should get on with that sponge bath.

My parents were not religious and did not understand the laws of the Covenant. That is why I received a circumcision every eight days until I reached my Bar Mitzvah.

A man must master the art of dodging bullets. Nary a fool taketh a sponge bath in the hospital of his choosing than doth the wicked man cobble an unusual shoe.

Suppose a slush fund or an offshore account were offered ye. Would you not accept it with gratitude or would the offer become like a fish caught in the woolly hairnet of your moral quandaries?

There were many more but they were far less worth repeating than these.

Warning! This video contains a lot of red colours.

The new ceremony involves things that a person can do in 3 minutes or less.

That includes (possibly):

• going to the bathroom
• lighting incense
• washing your hands
• trimming your nails
• reading a newspaper article
• making a tweet on twitter
• rubbing hand cream on
• taking a painkiller
• watching 3 minutes of tv
• going on facebook for only 3 minutes
• eating an apple
• thinking of something for only 3 minutes
• typing patek philippe 4907/ij
• typing aish hatorah

The list is as long as your imagination is broad. The New Ceremony begins when you decide what you will do to fill the 3 minutes.

Then you will make a determination that the New Ceremony is not your invention but rather something that has a divine source. You will need a chemist for any substances that are beyond your ability to blend or mix. You must bear in mind that you will release all of your Old Ceremonies and purify yourself for the New Ceremony.

*********************************************

Once upon a time, not that long ago and not that far away, there were two people that believed they were husband and wife. This “couple” had been together for over 14 years not realizing that they had never been wed or that they shared nothing in common. They were spoiled by too much tv and an overactive world. You could say they were in a constant process of teething.

Mordecai Singer was the quickest friend to pick up on the fact that they were likely not married nor were they represented by Ronn Torossian. They attended many functions together and their families kept quiet about what was going on – if they were even aware. Then they attempted a New Ceremony.

They were aware of the 3 minute limitation. They only had to agree about the focus of the ceremony. They already decided that the activity they would be engaging in was to sing “You Are My Sunshine”. The focus could be about thanksgiving, about death, or it could be about their “marriage”. They decided that the focus would be on their marriage.

They commenced to sing and they simultaneously realized that what they had previously thought was a happy children’s song was actually quite sad and ironic.

You Are My Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you’ve left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

10 weird jobs from which to take a perfect vacation

No Meaning – No Echo

That which is broadly accepted as perfect is also known as holy and complete. The vacation you take becometh the perfect vacation.

Let us think upon this from a non-contextual space. Let us think about it from a space that is stripped of meaning and echo.

My vacation cannot be seen directly, You have to look at it from an angle with your eyelids partly closed. This leads to fun. Perfect fun.

My perfect vacation – where we still laugh and direct our gaze at hope. The perfect vacation – when the sun desists its constant scoffing.

This just in. A former Four Seasons resort on Great Exuma Island in the Bahamas became a Sandals property. The five hundred acre resort is now called Sandals Emerald Bay.

Sandals plans include adding a half-acre swimming pool with the largest Jacuzzi in the Bahamas, a swim up pool bar, and a fire-pit seating area on an island surrounded by the pool. Wi-Fi access will be available at nearby cabanas. A second pool bar, Irish pub, and two additional restaurants are also in the works.

This exclusive resort will offer butler service, six tennis courts, Red Lane spa, 18 hold golf course, and a deepwater marina.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to check it out!

I hope you don’t mind if I discuss the 10 weird jobs in a future post. Sorry to put that in a headline and then not pursue it within the body of the article.

I wish someone told me about the mucus before I entered the tent. Wherever I went for weeks afterwards the mucus was heavy without any chance of drying. Wet, wet mucus.

My name is Bud Lackey and I am a private eye. My father was a florist; my mother took to the booze and wound up in a mental institution. I was a sickly child and missed a lot of school.

When I was in my mid-twenties I lost a winning lottery ticket. $16,000,000 gone. Just like that. I gave the ticket to a little boy in a market for safekeeping. The boy slipped on a greasy patch of concrete and fell. He broke his neck and died before he got to the hospital. I ran towards him and scrambled around trying to find the ticket. I couldn’t find it. He must have put it somewhere not on his person. Too bad for the kid. Too bad for me too because I like luxury.

I have an old photograph. I think it is about 60 years old. It is a picture of three of my aunts at Sunnyside Beach. I keep the crumpled photo in my jacket pocket and look at it everyday. I really don’t know why. I just thought I would mention it.

I just remembered something. When I was about 13 years old I was in love with a classmate. She was beautiful to my eyes and I loved her long silky hair. One day she stopped coming to school. The teacher acted weird after that and would never answer any questions about what happened to her. That was my first experience of love. It was also my last. I am loyal.

I had a near death experience when I was 15. I don’t remember anything about it but it seemed like a big deal at the time. I had an anaphylactic shock resulting from a bee sting. I remember that after the episode I started drinking hard liquor. My mother started to get friendly with me then, maybe a little too friendly. That lasted about half a year and then she “went away”.

At 17 my drinking problem was in full swing and I was working at my Dad’s florist shop. I got into a disagreement with a customer. I pulled the scissors out and threatened him. He ran out of the shop. Then my father fired me. I could understand where he was coming from. I would have done the same or worse if it were my son.

I am the kind of man who plays the bassoon but I started late and I am not so good at it.

I have a little medical problem that makes it difficult to type right now. I fought in the underground, I am lean and tough but this problem just gets the better of me. So that is all for now.

The LORD will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore boil, whereof thou canst not be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the crown of thy head.

Everybody has a favourite part of the bible. My favourite part is when God issues a slate of horrible curses.

Deuteronomy Chapter 28:15 But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all His commandments and His statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee.

Here comes some fun. Let us imbibe each curse and enjoy! Remember that this is a God concept that will harm you if you don’t do what It tells you to. I am not sure how that it fits in with modern motivational theory, but it sure is scary. When something is scary like this you either fall in line like an obedient slave or you run hard in the other direction. Another thing you might do is dismiss it all as pure nonsense.

16 Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
17 Cursed shall be thy basket and thy kneading-trough. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
18 Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy land, the increase of thy kine, and the young of thy flock. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
19 Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
20 The LORD will send upon thee cursing, discomfiture, and rebuke, in all that thou puttest thy hand unto to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the evil of thy doings, whereby thou hast forsaken Me. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
21 The LORD will make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until He have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest in to possess it. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
22 The LORD will smite thee with consumption, and with fever, and with inflammation, and with fiery heat, and with drought, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
23 And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
24 The LORD will make the rain of thy land powder and dust; from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
25 The LORD will cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies; thou shalt go out one way against them, and shalt flee seven ways before them; and thou shalt be a horror unto all the kingdoms of the earth. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
26 And thy carcasses shall be food unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and there shall be none to frighten them away. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
27 The LORD will smite thee with the boil of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
28 The LORD will smite thee with madness, and with blindness, and with astonishment of heart. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
29 And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not make thy ways prosperous; and thou shalt be only oppressed and robbed alway, and there shall be none to save thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
30 Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her; thou shalt build a house, and thou shalt not dwell therein; thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not use the fruit thereof. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
31 Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes, and thou shalt not eat thereof; thine ass shall be violently taken away from before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee; thy sheep shall be given unto thine enemies; and thou shalt have none to save thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
32 Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people, and thine eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day; and there shall be nought in the power of thy hand. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
33 The fruit of thy land, and all thy labours, shall a nation which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed away. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
34 so that thou shalt be mad for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
35 The LORD will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore boil, whereof thou canst not be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the crown of thy head. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
36 The LORD will bring thee, and thy king whom thou shalt set over thee, unto a nation that thou hast not known, thou nor thy fathers; and there shalt thou serve other gods, wood and stone. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
37 And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all the peoples whither the LORD shall lead thee away. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
38 Thou shalt carry much seed out into the field, and shalt gather little in; for the locust shall consume it. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
39 Thou shalt plant vineyards and dress them, but thou shalt neither drink of the wine, nor gather the grapes; for the worm shall eat them. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
40 Thou shalt have olive-trees throughout all thy borders, but thou shalt not anoint thyself with the oil; for thine olives shall drop off. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
41 Thou shalt beget sons and daughters, but they shall not be thine; for they shall go into captivity. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
42 All thy trees and the fruit of thy land shall the locust possess. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
43 The stranger that is in the midst of thee shall mount up above thee higher and higher; and thou shalt come down lower and lower. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
44 He shall lend to thee, and thou shalt not lend to him; he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
45 And all these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue thee, and overtake thee, till thou be destroyed; because thou didst not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep His commandments and His statutes which He commanded thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
46 And they shall be upon thee for a sign and for a wonder, and upon thy seed for ever. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
47 because thou didst not serve the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, by reason of the abundance of all things.
48 therefore shalt thou serve thine enemy whom the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things; and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
49 The LORD will bring a nation against thee from far, from the end of the earth, as the vulture swoopeth down; a nation whose tongue thou shalt not understand. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
50 a nation of fierce countenance, that shall not regard the person of the old, nor show favour to the young. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
51 And he shall eat the fruit of thy cattle, and the fruit of thy ground, until thou be destroyed; that also shall not leave thee corn, wine, or oil, the increase of thy kine, or the young of thy flock, until he have caused thee to perish. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
52 And he shall besiege thee in all thy gates, until thy high and fortified walls come down, wherein thou didst trust, throughout all thy land; and he shall besiege thee in all thy gates throughout all thy land, which the LORD thy God hath given thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters whom the LORD thy God hath given thee; in the siege and in the straitness, wherewith thine enemies shall straiten thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
54 The man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil against his brother, and against the wife of his bosom, and against the remnant of his children whom he hath remaining. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
55 so that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat, because he hath nothing left him; in the siege and in the straitness, wherewith thine enemy shall straiten thee in all thy gates. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
56 The tender and delicate woman among you, who would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil against the husband of her bosom, and against her son, and against her daughter. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
57 and against her afterbirth that cometh out from between her feet, and against her children whom she shall bear; for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly; in the siege and in the straitness, wherewith thine enemy shall straiten thee in thy gates. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and awful Name, the LORD thy God; (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
59 then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
60 And He will bring back upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast in dread of; and they shall cleave unto thee. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
62 And ye shall be left few in number, whereas ye were as the stars of heaven for multitude; because thou didst not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
63 And it shall come to pass, that as the LORD rejoiced over you to do you good, and to multiply you; so the LORD will rejoice over you to cause you to perish, and to destroy you; and ye shall be plucked from off the land whither thou goest in to possess it. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
64 And the LORD shall scatter thee among all peoples, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth; and there thou shalt serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou nor thy fathers, even wood and stone. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
65 And among these nations shalt thou have no repose, and there shall be no rest for the sole of thy foot; but the LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and languishing of soul. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
66 And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear night and day, and shalt have no assurance of thy life. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
67 In the morning thou shalt say: ‘Would it were even!’ and at even thou shalt say: ‘Would it were morning!’ for the fear of thy heart which thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
68 And the LORD shall bring thee back into Egypt in ships, by the way whereof I said unto thee: ‘Thou shalt see it no more again’; and there ye shall sell yourselves unto your enemies for bondmen and for bondwoman, and no man shall buy you. (because you didn’t do what I told you to)
69 These are the words of the covenant which the LORD commanded Moses to make with the children of Israel in the land of Moab, beside the covenant which He made with them in Horeb. Have a WONDERFUL DAY!