Comments (0)

By Martin Goldstein, July 31, 2010 9:16 am

When I was seven I had the experience that my senses didn’t belong to any central “I”. I didn’t know to whom the senses were relaying information to but I did notice that there was some kind of memory and accumulation of experience that affected how this body-mind developed.

But it didn’t seem to fit in with how my parents and teachers interacted with me as if I was a Martin person at the centre of it all. This was deeply unpleasant because it was the first time that I realized that our general language did not always reflect what reality was actually like and actually couldn’t accurately reflect anything quite that well.

I pretended to be Martin as best as I could for everybody else and even sometimes even believed that the name actually referred to some kind of Martin self that existed inside and experienced things that the senses delivered to it. Really the experience was more like there was no “me”, only God and it was God that was “seeing”, “hearing” etc. There was no me in the shadow of God.

I had my next even more powerful experience of this when I was 15 and then knew that I was not going to have a very conventional life and that I had to find out who I truly was if that was at all possible.

Comments (0)

By Martin Goldstein, June 24, 2010 1:13 pm

This is today’s best attempt.

Comments (1)

By Martin Goldstein, April 15, 2010 1:08 pm

It seems important to lose things.

Not keys.

Not forgetting the name of the officer that just arrested you for indecent exposure. But – THINGS. ALL THINGS.

That is why Facebook Mania became a Facebook Fast. That is why my blackberry has been so busy sending and receiving messages multiple times every hour. But pardon me while I fart.

Another way of expressing it is that accumulating things will make you very heavy. You need to be nimble, light on your feet, ready to pounce, ready to run. Ready to empty your mind in the face of the Noisy One. On the grand path to the Nameless One. PERFECT. (There is such a thing as “perfect” and I can prove it in three minutes.)

Here I am at one of the most famous facilities for operating on hernias in the world – the Shouldice Hospital which is located in the York Region of Ontario in Canada. Come here and put on the fancy blue hospital outfit. Get a shave from one of their expert nurses. They will shave the hair from your groin area all the way up to your navel. Then go down into the cold room with all the beds and allow the mind altering drugs to take effect as you wait for the experienced surgeon and his knife.

Don’t panic. They have done it thousands of times before. Yes, in a way you are a piece of meat on an assembly line; in a way the surgeons don’t care about you any more than they do the dried skin off the bottom of the heel of a remote relative. But, hell, they sure do seem to know what they are doing. And the food is better than the average hospital fare.

Some sayings and parables come to mind at this time – a time of morphine and middle-aged gentlemen (very few ladies). Please ignore errors to do with grammar or meaning.

In a world where constipation is the norm, even a small amount of flatulence is considered a victory.

I stink and that is a signal from the healing angels that I should get on with that sponge bath.

My parents were not religious and did not understand the laws of the Covenant. That is why I received a circumcision every eight days until I reached my Bar Mitzvah.

A man must master the art of dodging bullets. Nary a fool taketh a sponge bath in the hospital of his choosing than doth the wicked man cobble an unusual shoe.

Suppose a slush fund or an offshore account were offered ye. Would you not accept it with gratitude or would the offer become like a fish caught in the woolly hairnet of your moral quandaries?

There were many more but they were far less worth repeating than these.

Warning! This video contains a lot of red colours.

Comments (0)

By Martin Goldstein, March 23, 2010 12:10 am

The new ceremony involves things that a person can do in 3 minutes or less.

That includes (possibly):

• going to the bathroom
• lighting incense
• washing your hands
• trimming your nails
• reading a newspaper article
• making a tweet on twitter
• rubbing hand cream on
• taking a painkiller
• watching 3 minutes of tv
• going on facebook for only 3 minutes
• eating an apple
• thinking of something for only 3 minutes
• typing patek philippe 4907/ij
• typing aish hatorah

The list is as long as your imagination is broad. The New Ceremony begins when you decide what you will do to fill the 3 minutes.

Then you will make a determination that the New Ceremony is not your invention but rather something that has a divine source. You will need a chemist for any substances that are beyond your ability to blend or mix. You must bear in mind that you will release all of your Old Ceremonies and purify yourself for the New Ceremony.

*********************************************

Once upon a time, not that long ago and not that far away, there were two people that believed they were husband and wife. This “couple” had been together for over 14 years not realizing that they had never been wed or that they shared nothing in common. They were spoiled by too much tv and an overactive world. You could say they were in a constant process of teething.

Mordecai Singer was the quickest friend to pick up on the fact that they were likely not married nor were they represented by Ronn Torossian. They attended many functions together and their families kept quiet about what was going on – if they were even aware. Then they attempted a New Ceremony.

They were aware of the 3 minute limitation. They only had to agree about the focus of the ceremony. They already decided that the activity they would be engaging in was to sing “You Are My Sunshine”. The focus could be about thanksgiving, about death, or it could be about their “marriage”. They decided that the focus would be on their marriage.

They commenced to sing and they simultaneously realized that what they had previously thought was a happy children’s song was actually quite sad and ironic.

You Are My Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you’ve left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

Comments (1)

By Martin Goldstein, March 21, 2010 2:27 am

10 weird jobs from which to take a perfect vacation

No Meaning – No Echo

That which is broadly accepted as perfect is also known as holy and complete. The vacation you take becometh the perfect vacation.

Let us think upon this from a non-contextual space. Let us think about it from a space that is stripped of meaning and echo.

My vacation cannot be seen directly, You have to look at it from an angle with your eyelids partly closed. This leads to fun. Perfect fun.

My perfect vacation – where we still laugh and direct our gaze at hope. The perfect vacation – when the sun desists its constant scoffing.

This just in. A former Four Seasons resort on Great Exuma Island in the Bahamas became a Sandals property. The five hundred acre resort is now called Sandals Emerald Bay.

Sandals plans include adding a half-acre swimming pool with the largest Jacuzzi in the Bahamas, a swim up pool bar, and a fire-pit seating area on an island surrounded by the pool. Wi-Fi access will be available at nearby cabanas. A second pool bar, Irish pub, and two additional restaurants are also in the works.

This exclusive resort will offer butler service, six tennis courts, Red Lane spa, 18 hold golf course, and a deepwater marina.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to check it out!

I hope you don’t mind if I discuss the 10 weird jobs in a future post. Sorry to put that in a headline and then not pursue it within the body of the article.

Comments (0)

By Martin Goldstein, March 18, 2010 4:59 pm

I wish someone told me about the mucus before I entered the tent. Wherever I went for weeks afterwards the mucus was heavy without any chance of drying. Wet, wet mucus.

My name is Bud Lackey and I am a private eye. My father was a florist; my mother took to the booze and wound up in a mental institution. I was a sickly child and missed a lot of school.

When I was in my mid-twenties I lost a winning lottery ticket. $16,000,000 gone. Just like that. I gave the ticket to a little boy in a market for safekeeping. The boy slipped on a greasy patch of concrete and fell. He broke his neck and died before he got to the hospital. I ran towards him and scrambled around trying to find the ticket. I couldn’t find it. He must have put it somewhere not on his person. Too bad for the kid. Too bad for me too because I like luxury.

I have an old photograph. I think it is about 60 years old. It is a picture of three of my aunts at Sunnyside Beach. I keep the crumpled photo in my jacket pocket and look at it everyday. I really don’t know why. I just thought I would mention it.

I just remembered something. When I was about 13 years old I was in love with a classmate. She was beautiful to my eyes and I loved her long silky hair. One day she stopped coming to school. The teacher acted weird after that and would never answer any questions about what happened to her. That was my first experience of love. It was also my last. I am loyal.

I had a near death experience when I was 15. I don’t remember anything about it but it seemed like a big deal at the time. I had an anaphylactic shock resulting from a bee sting. I remember that after the episode I started drinking hard liquor. My mother started to get friendly with me then, maybe a little too friendly. That lasted about half a year and then she “went away”.

At 17 my drinking problem was in full swing and I was working at my Dad’s florist shop. I got into a disagreement with a customer. I pulled the scissors out and threatened him. He ran out of the shop. Then my father fired me. I could understand where he was coming from. I would have done the same or worse if it were my son.

I am the kind of man who plays the bassoon but I started late and I am not so good at it.

I have a little medical problem that makes it difficult to type right now. I fought in the underground, I am lean and tough but this problem just gets the better of me. So that is all for now.