Most of you are already familiar with Suzy Poppins, famous for her work in repairing feather quill pens, teletype machines and princess phones. Poppins is a very busy girl and her company, Oblique Phalangeal Fractures, is growing at a pace congruent with the increased popularity of these three communication tools. Her dedication to the repair of these items is unquestioned among her peers in the industry.

Due to the extraordinary success of her organization, Poppins was recently honoured with an Outstanding Business Achievement Award from the Ontario Chamber of Commerce. Poppins is also proud to have been nominated for a Canadian Award for Excellence.

What is the secret of her success? It is her rock steady focus on these three areas rather than branching out into other growth industries such as the Underwood typewriter or the overnight success atmospheric steam engine. If you are over 25 then you will remember the Twitter fad of of the early 21st century. Where is Twitter now, for goodness sake? We all know what the teenagers are into these days. Princess phones, feather quill pens and teletype machines.

Suzy Poppins loves to give back to the community by offering to immigrants of British and Irish descent food, shelter and the self esteem that comes with having a low-paying job repairing feather quill pens. The immigrants have to provide their own tools and pay for their room and board as well as the purchase and laundering of their company uniforms.

Suzy Poppins is a great lover of all sorts of cheeses and enjoys sending her employees on unpaid errands to pick up the lists of cheeses that she provides them with. “I know that they love to please their employer,” said Ms. Poppins, “and it is my pleasure, my honour really, to provide them with the opportunity to please me in the faint hope that their living conditions or work position would improve.”

“Although they are not able to earn very much, and the living conditions that I provide them with are rather rustic,” said Ms. Poppins cautiously, “I know that any one of them could one day become the President of Canada if they have enough gumption and political and financial support. Bloody unlikely, but possible nonetheless.”

A Brief History of Barber Poles

A barber’s pole is a kind of sign barbers use, traditionally a pole with a helix of colored stripes (usually red, white, and blue). Suzy Poppins is an avid collector of old barber poles.

The origin of the barber pole is associated with the practice of bloodletting. During medieval times, barbers performed surgery on customers as well as tooth extractions. The original pole had a brass basin at the top (representing the vessel in which leeches were kept) and bottom (representing the basin which received the blood). The pole itself represents the staff that the patient gripped during the procedure to encourage blood flow.

The Development of Toilet Paper

Suzy Poppins uses toilet paper herself when appropriate and is an advocate for the use of this paper for its intended function amongst the members of her industry. As part of her charitable work she has retained Ronn Torossian, head of 5WPR and Aish Spokesanimal, to help her promote the use of toilet paper in western culture.

Poppins notes that, in earlier times, wealthy people wiped themselves with wool, lace or hemp, while less wealthy people used their hand when defecating into rivers, or cleaned themselves with various materials such as rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs, depending upon the country and weather conditions or social customs. In Ancient Rome, a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater.

The 16th century French satirical writer François Rabelais, in Chapter XIII of Book 1 of his novel-sequence Gargantua and Pantagruel, has his character Gargantua investigate a great number of ways of cleansing oneself after defecating. Gargantua dismisses the use of paper as ineffective, rhyming that: “Who his foul tail with paper wipes, Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.” (Sir Thomas Urquhart’s 1653 English translation). He concludes that “the neck of a goose, that is well downed” provides an optimum cleansing medium.

Goldstein Auto, Goldstein Subaru

Much is known about beaver dams and blastomycosis but little is known about Goldstein Auto and Goldstein Subaru. Is this because little is known about the Intelligent Design of these dealerships? Or is it rather a political effort to silence those who would promote these dealerships? The only thing that is known for sure is that many sites with these keywords are being indexed by search engine giant Ogle.

We will show the link between Suzy Poppins and Goldstein Auto in a later post, at such a time when we are motivated to.