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By Martin Goldstein, April 15, 2010 1:08 pm

It seems important to lose things.

Not keys.

Not forgetting the name of the officer that just arrested you for indecent exposure. But – THINGS. ALL THINGS.

That is why Facebook Mania became a Facebook Fast. That is why my blackberry has been so busy sending and receiving messages multiple times every hour. But pardon me while I fart.

Another way of expressing it is that accumulating things will make you very heavy. You need to be nimble, light on your feet, ready to pounce, ready to run. Ready to empty your mind in the face of the Noisy One. On the grand path to the Nameless One. PERFECT. (There is such a thing as “perfect” and I can prove it in three minutes.)

Here I am at one of the most famous facilities for operating on hernias in the world – the Shouldice Hospital which is located in the York Region of Ontario in Canada. Come here and put on the fancy blue hospital outfit. Get a shave from one of their expert nurses. They will shave the hair from your groin area all the way up to your navel. Then go down into the cold room with all the beds and allow the mind altering drugs to take effect as you wait for the experienced surgeon and his knife.

Don’t panic. They have done it thousands of times before. Yes, in a way you are a piece of meat on an assembly line; in a way the surgeons don’t care about you any more than they do the dried skin off the bottom of the heel of a remote relative. But, hell, they sure do seem to know what they are doing. And the food is better than the average hospital fare.

Some sayings and parables come to mind at this time – a time of morphine and middle-aged gentlemen (very few ladies). Please ignore errors to do with grammar or meaning.

In a world where constipation is the norm, even a small amount of flatulence is considered a victory.

I stink and that is a signal from the healing angels that I should get on with that sponge bath.

My parents were not religious and did not understand the laws of the Covenant. That is why I received a circumcision every eight days until I reached my Bar Mitzvah.

A man must master the art of dodging bullets. Nary a fool taketh a sponge bath in the hospital of his choosing than doth the wicked man cobble an unusual shoe.

Suppose a slush fund or an offshore account were offered ye. Would you not accept it with gratitude or would the offer become like a fish caught in the woolly hairnet of your moral quandaries?

There were many more but they were far less worth repeating than these.

Warning! This video contains a lot of red colours.

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By Martin Goldstein, March 23, 2010 12:10 am

The new ceremony involves things that a person can do in 3 minutes or less.

That includes (possibly):

• going to the bathroom
• lighting incense
• washing your hands
• trimming your nails
• reading a newspaper article
• making a tweet on twitter
• rubbing hand cream on
• taking a painkiller
• watching 3 minutes of tv
• going on facebook for only 3 minutes
• eating an apple
• thinking of something for only 3 minutes
• typing patek philippe 4907/ij
• typing aish hatorah

The list is as long as your imagination is broad. The New Ceremony begins when you decide what you will do to fill the 3 minutes.

Then you will make a determination that the New Ceremony is not your invention but rather something that has a divine source. You will need a chemist for any substances that are beyond your ability to blend or mix. You must bear in mind that you will release all of your Old Ceremonies and purify yourself for the New Ceremony.

*********************************************

Once upon a time, not that long ago and not that far away, there were two people that believed they were husband and wife. This “couple” had been together for over 14 years not realizing that they had never been wed or that they shared nothing in common. They were spoiled by too much tv and an overactive world. You could say they were in a constant process of teething.

Mordecai Singer was the quickest friend to pick up on the fact that they were likely not married nor were they represented by Ronn Torossian. They attended many functions together and their families kept quiet about what was going on – if they were even aware. Then they attempted a New Ceremony.

They were aware of the 3 minute limitation. They only had to agree about the focus of the ceremony. They already decided that the activity they would be engaging in was to sing “You Are My Sunshine”. The focus could be about thanksgiving, about death, or it could be about their “marriage”. They decided that the focus would be on their marriage.

They commenced to sing and they simultaneously realized that what they had previously thought was a happy children’s song was actually quite sad and ironic.

You Are My Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you’ve left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

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By Martin Goldstein, March 21, 2010 2:27 am

10 weird jobs from which to take a perfect vacation

No Meaning – No Echo

That which is broadly accepted as perfect is also known as holy and complete. The vacation you take becometh the perfect vacation.

Let us think upon this from a non-contextual space. Let us think about it from a space that is stripped of meaning and echo.

My vacation cannot be seen directly, You have to look at it from an angle with your eyelids partly closed. This leads to fun. Perfect fun.

My perfect vacation – where we still laugh and direct our gaze at hope. The perfect vacation – when the sun desists its constant scoffing.

This just in. A former Four Seasons resort on Great Exuma Island in the Bahamas became a Sandals property. The five hundred acre resort is now called Sandals Emerald Bay.

Sandals plans include adding a half-acre swimming pool with the largest Jacuzzi in the Bahamas, a swim up pool bar, and a fire-pit seating area on an island surrounded by the pool. Wi-Fi access will be available at nearby cabanas. A second pool bar, Irish pub, and two additional restaurants are also in the works.

This exclusive resort will offer butler service, six tennis courts, Red Lane spa, 18 hold golf course, and a deepwater marina.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to check it out!

I hope you don’t mind if I discuss the 10 weird jobs in a future post. Sorry to put that in a headline and then not pursue it within the body of the article.

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By Martin Goldstein, March 18, 2010 4:59 pm

I wish someone told me about the mucus before I entered the tent. Wherever I went for weeks afterwards the mucus was heavy without any chance of drying. Wet, wet mucus.

My name is Bud Lackey and I am a private eye. My father was a florist; my mother took to the booze and wound up in a mental institution. I was a sickly child and missed a lot of school.

When I was in my mid-twenties I lost a winning lottery ticket. $16,000,000 gone. Just like that. I gave the ticket to a little boy in a market for safekeeping. The boy slipped on a greasy patch of concrete and fell. He broke his neck and died before he got to the hospital. I ran towards him and scrambled around trying to find the ticket. I couldn’t find it. He must have put it somewhere not on his person. Too bad for the kid. Too bad for me too because I like luxury.

I have an old photograph. I think it is about 60 years old. It is a picture of three of my aunts at Sunnyside Beach. I keep the crumpled photo in my jacket pocket and look at it everyday. I really don’t know why. I just thought I would mention it.

I just remembered something. When I was about 13 years old I was in love with a classmate. She was beautiful to my eyes and I loved her long silky hair. One day she stopped coming to school. The teacher acted weird after that and would never answer any questions about what happened to her. That was my first experience of love. It was also my last. I am loyal.

I had a near death experience when I was 15. I don’t remember anything about it but it seemed like a big deal at the time. I had an anaphylactic shock resulting from a bee sting. I remember that after the episode I started drinking hard liquor. My mother started to get friendly with me then, maybe a little too friendly. That lasted about half a year and then she “went away”.

At 17 my drinking problem was in full swing and I was working at my Dad’s florist shop. I got into a disagreement with a customer. I pulled the scissors out and threatened him. He ran out of the shop. Then my father fired me. I could understand where he was coming from. I would have done the same or worse if it were my son.

I am the kind of man who plays the bassoon but I started late and I am not so good at it.

I have a little medical problem that makes it difficult to type right now. I fought in the underground, I am lean and tough but this problem just gets the better of me. So that is all for now.

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By Martin Goldstein, March 12, 2010 12:06 pm

It is dangerous to mention the Negroid racial category. It must be made clear that the breakup of a relationship was possibly rooted in a reckless but positive discussion of members of this race at an Ethiopian restaurant last Saturday night.

As has already been said, Negroid is a racial category – one of the three “great races” – divided again into subtypes by the Caucasoid and the Mongoloid races. Populations included in the category in the 19th century and early 20th century were the black people of sub-Saharan Africa, the Australian Aboriginals, the Melanesian and Negrito. During the 1950s, the Australian Aborigines, the Negritos, and the Melanesians, as well as the Papuans (the inhabitants of New Guinea) were referred to as the Australoid race.

The concept originated with the typological method of racial classification and is still used by many anthropologists, especially physical anthropologists working in the forensic field of craniofacial anthropometry.

Thanks for all the convoluted Wikipedia content on the Negroid but what about Caucasians? Can we talk about them at McDonald’s? Will talk of this race possibly break up a relationship?

Skin Stripped from this Caucassian in order to avoid offending those of a darker skin tone!

In scientific racism, the term Caucasian race (or Caucasoid, sometimes also Europid, or Europoid) has been used to denote the general physical type of some or all of the indigenous human populations of Europe, North Africa, the Horn of Africa, West Asia, Central Asia, and South Asia.

In common use in American English, the term “Caucasian” (rarely supplemented with “race”) is sometimes restricted to Europeans and other lighter-skinned populations within these areas, and may be considered equivalent to the varying definitions of white people. The term continues to be widely used in many scientific and general contexts, usually with its more restricted sense of “white”, specifically White American in a US context.

What does that have to do with Rabbi Rabinovich attending a seance?

Rabbi Rabinovich is an authentic fictitious character created by anti-semites, Even so, it is very rare for a Rabbi to attend a seance.

The seance involved a meeting of people who gathered to listen to a spirit medium discourse with and relay messages from the spirit of a dead relationship. Rabbi Rabinovich is always interested in helping couple get together even when they don’t want to. A little known fact about relationships is that they often break up. Sometimes the break up is mutually decided upon. Other times the break up is initiated by one of the partners usually under false pretenses to supposedly cushion the blow to the other party. Often the person who initiates the break up will do so because they have no real interest in being in a long term relationship and find a “reason” to break up to assuage their conscience.

Mud happens. Rabbi Rabinovich is as fictional as this relationship was.

There are more members of the Negroid racial category in the National Basketball Association. That is verifiable. It is not fiction.

Just a little joke before I end: A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!“, the mom answered, “I know – April Fools!”

Rose Rabbinovich had no comment.

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By Martin Goldstein, March 11, 2010 9:01 pm

We have spoken of mud and in an upcoming post we shall be addressing racial categories. At this time the writing involves reporting on these things.

We will speak about the National Basketball Association and the secret white supremacists of Belleville. What a great time to be alive.

Sitting alone or with friends, one cannot deny that thirst to express. The expression of writing. That is what we are writing about. Mud.

Here is a link to Aish HaTorah and one to the Seventh Day Adventists. Check these sites out. They are fab!

By the way, a Seventh Day Adventist named Kelly told me about how cruel God was to those that do not follow his orders. She described Hell in graphic detail. I was 5 years old. It was cool because it happened according to God’s will. I am still freaked out about it 45 years later!

Eating the strange mud