It appears that Martin Goldstein has offended or increased the suffering of at least 720 people over the past year and 2 months.

The world, thank God, continues to exist owing to the deeds of lovingkindness performed by perfected souls who have had to work harder than usual to offset the mess that Goldstein has made on an interpersonal level.

Goldstein’s apology will include the following statements:

• I have rushed to judgment
• I have been reckless in speech
• I have spoken ill of others
• I have been insensitive
• I have not listened to constructive criticism
• I have been arrogant
• I have shunned beggars
• I have not honoured others
• I have wasted other people’s time
• I have lashed out at people
• I have used the names of certain organizations (such as Aish HaTorah, Chabad, 5WPR – Ronn Torossian) primarily for content generating purposes and only secondarily for the brainless things that they do
• I have farted loudly and at great length while generating lively bird sounds on an experimental sound device in the middle of a speech at a wedding reception

For whatever one of these things I have done to you and for any way in which I have increased your suffering, please accept my sincere apologies and understand that I recognize it as a problem for which I take complete responsibility and am in the process of rectifying at this very time.

The 720 apologies will be given orally and in person and all within a 3 day period. All logistical issues will be handled by a mystery spokes-animal.

Weird boxing is a major cause of apology binging.