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By Martin Goldstein, January 25, 2010 10:18 am

This post is dedicated to my brother on his birthday.

Aish HaTorah expects unprecedented market growth

Jews for Jesus leaders have announced that everyone involved in the once proud organization is now thoroughly ashamed of themselves. And it is not because of the recent incident involving unchilled beverages in a Winnipeg literary salon.

It has now been revealed that Jews for Jesus is closing down over half of their branches including all of their branches in South Florida where, according to one source, many Jews vacation. It turns out that they were wrong about the identity of the Messiah all along. Some of the organization’s chief outreach professionals have been aware of this for several years but have kept it under wraps for fear of losing their jobs and not being able to get similar positions with the notorious Aish HaTorah organization.

“This is a tragic moment in the history of an outreach giant,” said Rabbi Dan Rand, managing director of Aish Toronto. “Aish and Jews for Jesus have not always seen eye to eye on every single issue but we take no pleasure in the fact that they have come to realize that their notion of who the true Messiah is has now proven to be wrong. We have learned much from them over the years and we certainly hope that they are able to get back up on the horse, pick a new Messiah, and start blathering on about it to everybody that will listen.”

The Potato Bug Messiah

Outreach industry professionals from every corner of the globe have been shaken by this unexpected turn of events. “This is simply unbelievable,” said Father Alyoshus the Jenimbobimbo, leader of the Church of the Lost Cause, a group that believes the Messiah is a potato bug that exists in the phantom zone, waiting for the right moment to enter phenomenological reality whereupon he will be tragically misinterpreted. He added: “Does this have anything to do with that Ed Sullivan controversy thing? Or maybe Ronn Torossian?”

Joey Cryptus, outreach prospect and angler said: “Everybody is talking about who is the real Messiah. They are saying it is Jesus, or a mysterious potato bug, or Moses, or Mohammed, or whatever! But will it buy me a farm in China?”

Jews for Jesus representatives were too embarrassed to make a comment. Some Chabad members were eager to commenrt but we were not interested in what they have to say.

Jews for Ed Sullivan Executive Director for Weird Operations, 90 year old Mary Katherine Steinberg, gave a brief statement: “I am saving my money for when I get old.”

Monkey Washes a Cat

Tip of the hat to my son for bringing this video to my attention – the arrival of the messiah will not be televised.

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By Martin Goldstein, December 14, 2009 9:35 pm

The Content Opportunity Consortium which includes partners Aish.com, 5WPR, Jews for Jesus, and the Weird Woman’s Tea Club, is proud to announce the release of Web 6.0.

“It has been almost, but not quite, 18 months in development. We didn’t even know that we were involved in this massive project until I read this very post. That proves just how powerful Web 6.0 really is,” said Rabbi Dan Rand, managing director of Aish Toronto.

“This goes well beyond Semantic Web, Strange Web, and Lizard Web. This is Ultimate Plus Plus Plus Web. We are even considering spelling Web with two “b”s and calling it Jimmy Webb after the great composer,” said Moishe Rosen, Founder and first Executive Director of Jews for Jesus.

Weird Woman’s Tea Club was unavailable for comment. Moishe assures us that they are busy formulating a perceived need to re-label the Web yet again.

Weird Woman’s Tea Club