Tag Archives: jews for jesus

Jews for Jesus ashamed of themselves

January 25, 2010 – 10:18 am

This post is dedicated to my brother on his birthday.

Aish HaTorah expects unprecedented market growth

Jews for Jesus leaders have announced that everyone involved in the once proud organization is now thoroughly ashamed of themselves. And it is not because of the recent incident involving unchilled beverages in a Winnipeg literary salon.

It has now been revealed that Jews for Jesus is closing down over half of their branches including all of their branches in South Florida where, according to one source, many Jews vacation. It turns out that they were wrong about the identity of the Messiah all along. Some of the organization’s chief outreach professionals have been aware of this for several years but have kept it under wraps for fear of losing their jobs and not being able to get similar positions with the notorious Aish HaTorah organization.

“This is a tragic moment in the history of an outreach giant,” said Rabbi Dan Rand, managing director of Aish Toronto. “Aish and Jews for Jesus have not always seen eye to eye on every single issue but we take no pleasure in the fact that they have come to realize that their notion of who the true Messiah is has now proven to be wrong. We have learned much from them over the years and we certainly hope that they are able to get back up on the horse, pick a new Messiah, and start blathering on about it to everybody that will listen.”

The Potato Bug Messiah

Outreach industry professionals from every corner of the globe have been shaken by this unexpected turn of events. “This is simply unbelievable,” said Father Alyoshus the Jenimbobimbo, leader of the Church of the Lost Cause, a group that believes the Messiah is a potato bug that exists in the phantom zone, waiting for the right moment to enter phenomenological reality whereupon he will be tragically misinterpreted. He added: “Does this have anything to do with that Ed Sullivan controversy thing? Or maybe Ronn Torossian?”

Joey Cryptus, outreach prospect and angler said: “Everybody is talking about who is the real Messiah. They are saying it is Jesus, or a mysterious potato bug, or Moses, or Mohammed, or whatever! But will it buy me a farm in China?”

Jews for Jesus representatives were too embarrassed to make a comment. Some Chabad members were eager to commenrt but we were not interested in what they have to say.

Jews for Ed Sullivan Executive Director for Weird Operations, 90 year old Mary Katherine Steinberg, gave a brief statement: “I am saving my money for when I get old.”

Monkey Washes a Cat

Tip of the hat to my son for bringing this video to my attention – the arrival of the messiah will not be televised.

Tags aish hatorah, dan rand, ed sullivan, jews for jesus, literary salon, Messiah, new messiah, outreach professionals, phantom zone, potato bug, Rabbi, Rabbi Dan Rand, ronn torossian, tragic moment, winnipeg | Permalink | Comment (0)

aish hatorah Argument from design chabad Communication jews for jesus

Design Argument experiences sharp readership increase as blog quality declines

January 14, 2010 – 2:10 pm

With feeds from Ronn Torossian, 5WPR and Aish Hatorah – The Design Argument readership is hitting dramatic new heights in readership size but it seems to be coming at a price.

David Hume consultants have been brought in to analyze the foremost teleological blog in the known and seemingly designed universe. David Hume determined that the quality of writing has decreased by a stunning 37%. The analysis is based on several factors including originality of content, readability level, cogency, and genre-appropriateness.

“In almost every conceivable area Design Argument is failing to deliver decent content,” said the 17th century Scottish philosopher David Hume. “The fact that readership levels are soaring within the same time cycles as the shameful drop in writing quality may be akin to the same social forces that led to Avatar becoming a box office smash. There is no content in that film at all or if there is I missed it while I was sleeping.”

Hume went on to give a blistering criticism of the argument for design. If a well-ordered natural world requires a special designer, then God’s mind (being so well-ordered) also requires a special designer. And then this designer would likewise need a designer, and so on ad infinitum. We could respond by resting content with an inexplicably self-ordered divine mind but then why not rest content with an inexplicably self-ordered natural world? Often, what appears to be purpose, where it looks like object X has feature F in order to secure outcome O, is better explained by a filtering process: that is, object X wouldn’t be around did it not possess feature F, and outcome O is only interesting to us as a human projection of goals onto nature. This mechanical explanation of teleology anticipated natural selection.

“I am chagrined by the low calibre of content in recent posts on the Design Argument Blog,” remarked Martin Goldstein who is also falling behind on his “720 apologies in 3 days” project. “I am in such a tizzy. I am so sorry.”

There are some Design Argument observers that are concerned that the site is repeating itself and is losing its relevancy.

“How many times do we have to hear about how vulgar and unethical Ronn Torossian and 5WPR is? How many times do we have to read about how Aish HaTorah plays fast and loose with the truth? I mean it is all true but so what? I liked the post with the monkey playing the piano and the three cute dogs and what not. That was a quality post. I just don’t need to hear anymore about how Aish deceives people with their phony bible codes,” said an anonymous Design Argument fan.

Another Design Argument fan said that the stress on the weirdness of Chabad outreach and Jews for Jesus “is beginning to bore me. But I did like all that Ed Sullivan stuff.”

Martin Goldstein, taking time out from his apology tour, stated that he was going to personally see to it that the quality and originality of the blog content will be improved “as of this very post. However I still want to get my keywords in,” he chuckled.

Tags 5wpr, aish bible code, aish hatorah, aish outreach, bible code, box office smash, chabad outreach, content quality, david hume, Design Argument, divine mind, jews for jesus, martin goldstein, natural selection, philosopher david hume, readership levels, ronn torossian, Teleology | Permalink | Comment (0)

aish hatorah Argument from design chabad Design Argument jews for jesus

Video Analysis of Design Argument: Irreducible Complexity

January 13, 2010 – 5:14 pm

Step by step analysis of the argument from design as presented by Jews for Jesus

Many members of Aish HaTorah are not aware of the negative aspects built into an outreach organization. The Aish HaTorah use of the Design Argument is a marketing tool to be “fishers of men (Jews)”. Irreducible complexity is observed in the political wrangling between them and Chabad outreach.

Chabad outreach and Aish HaTorah outreach both think that they are the better than the other one. They are competitive by nature and outwardly display friendliness to their outer core of members. If you are on the middle to inner core you will hear plenty about the shortcomings of Aish if you are Chabad. If you are Aish then you will share your distaste for Chabad with people that you trust to listen to Loshon Harah (evil speech.)

The Chabad and Aish HaTorah outreach to the Bombardier Beetle will determine who is the superman on the block. David Hume, Thomas Aquinas and the theistic argument for design is more content generation. Generation after generation.

The bombardier beetle is used by both groups to defend against certain foreign ideas. Jews for Jesus is both open and relaxed about this.

Tags aish hatorah, Argument from design, bombardier beetle, david hume, Design Argument, fishers of men, irreducible complexity, jews for jesus, outreach organization, thomas aquinas, video analysis | Permalink | Comment (0)

aish hatorah Business chabad Death Goldstein Solutions jews for jesus Truth

The New Post for the Design Argument Blog

January 5, 2010 – 11:22 pm

“I can show you. I can show you.” – Saint John Lennon speaking about the coronation of the King of the Jews, Ed Sullivan.

This post contains brand new content on the Argument for Design. New content for Religion, Spirituality, Psychology, and the Structure of the Universe.

This post contains brand new content on Aish HaTorah, Chabad and Jews for Jesus. New content on Aish outreach and chabad outreach. New content on Beauty, Business, Classical Mechanics, Communication, Content Opportunity, Death and the glorious Design Argument.

This post is a fresh opportunity to share information about Family, Goldstein Solutions, History, Illness, Internet, Irony, Love, Meaning and the Messiah, yes the Moshiach. Murder Incorporated is included in the original content as is Music, Nature, Nature of Time, News, People, Philosophy, and Photography.

This post and no other is endowed with the ability to grant the fragrance of spring to the following items which are as follows, Poetry, Poetry Hammer, Proof, Psychology, Religion, Spirituality, Structure of the Universe, Suffering, Teleology, and, of least importance to many people, Truth.

The following is a paragraph copied from the post immediately preceding this one:

Atheism is also a business, particularly for entrepreneurs such as Richard Dawkins who used to be a scientist. He is selling atheism products in his store and using the cute tilted red “A” symbol as his new branding image (nice brand Ricky!). Just before Christmas he was selling holiday bundles! And I thought he didn’t believe in Santa! His wares include: various DVDs and DVD sets, t-shirts, baseball caps, sweatshirts with hoods, books, audiobooks, , mugs, stickers, tote bags, and lapel pins with the cute “A” on it.

This sentence immediately follows the paragraph preceding this sentence.

You may try to find pattern and meaning regarding the inclusion of two paragraphs from different posts. You may say that it was meant to be or that God willed it to be. You may follow yesterday’s lead, try to satisfy yesterday’s needs.

The following is a paragraph from an earlier post.

Critics of the supporters of the Ed Sullivan for Messiah campaign point out that he did not fulfill all of the criteria of the Messiah. Susan Perlman, Director of Communications for Jews for Jesus said “it just doesn’t add up. Sullivan did not gather the Jewish people from exile and return them to Israel. Neither did he rebuild the temple or rule at a time of world peace. These people should know this stuff backwards and forwards. It is all laid out in Ezekiel Chapter 37, verses 24-28. I mean, it is getting to the point where I am referring people to Jews for Judaism’s website so they can get this Messiah stuff straight.”

The Beatles On Ed Sullivan, Paperback Writer and Rain (video – watch it and understand the Beatles Design Argument)

Tags aish hatorah, atheism, chabad, Classical Mechanics, Design Argument, ed sullivan, internet irony, jews for jesus, king of the jews, lapel pins, Nature of time, religion spirituality, Richard Dawkins, Teleology | Permalink | Comments (12)

aish hatorah chabad jews for jesus Religion

Martin Goldstein pleased by Aish HaTorah, Chabad, Dawkins alliance

January 4, 2010 – 7:12 pm

Aish and Chabad: Outbreach of Trust and Faith

Aish HaTorah and Chabad have been spreading misinformation and lies for years in an effort to “save souls”. In a sense that is the norm since, if you analyze it in a harsh way, most businesses are involved in some form of lie, exaggeration, or enticement in order to grow their revenue. Chabad and Aish HaTorah in their cult like behaviour are businesses in a very real sense. They have a product, they market that product and they are concerned about their bottom lines.

Atheism is also a business, particularly for entrepreneurs such as Richard Dawkins who used to be a scientist. He is selling atheism products in his store and using the cute tilted red “A” symbol as his new branding image (nice brand Ricky!). Just before Christmas he was selling holiday bundles! And I thought he didn’t believe in Santa! His wares include: various DVDs and DVD sets, t-shirts, baseball caps, sweatshirts with hoods, books, audiobooks, , mugs, stickers, tote bags, and lapel pins with the cute “A” on it.

Martin Goldstein is very pleased that Richard Dawkins has managed to use his atheism as a springboard for greater recognition and financial success. “Dawkins, Chabad, Aish HaTorah, Jews for Jesus, etc. all feed off each other and keep each other going,” said Goldstein, Chief Evangelical Leader of Goldstein Subaru and Goldstein Auto. “They don’t know how closely linked they are and I find that to be just so cute and adorable.”

Martin Goldstein predicts that Dawkins, Chabad, Aish HaTorah, and Jews for Jesus will put aside their differences and form a strategic alliance to promote their ideas and increase their revenue flows. “The secret is that they are already doing this without knowing it,” says Goldstein. “What on the outside seems like opposing theistic/atheistic/messianic views, is really all just something I like to call “Theatre of the Brain.”

Performance of “Theatre of the Brain” by the Outreach Bunnies

Members of Chabad, Aish HaTorah, Jews for Jesus, with Richard Dawkins.

Tags aish hatorah, aish outreach, atheism, chabad, chabad outreach, goldstein auto, goldstein subaru, jews for jesus, martin goldstein, messianic views, outreach, religious, religious entrepreneurs, Richard Dawkins, theistic | Permalink | Comments (2)

chabad Design Argument jews for jesus Structure of the Universe Suffering Teleology

The sky one night when the world paradigm changed

January 3, 2010 – 10:59 pm

The Theory of Intelligent Design

Some aspects of the universe and of living things seem to be best explained by an intelligent cause, rather than an undirected process such as natural selection. By analyzing a system’s components, a design argument proponent may determine whether various natural structures are the product of chance, natural law, intelligent design, or some combination thereof. Does the watch-maker groovy pie nut-heart pearl diving conference centre deluxe function?

Some watchmakers may be successful mass murderers and still be able to make a lovely watch of remarkable complexity and functionality.

Such research is conducted by observing the types of information produced when intelligent secret agents act in plays at Aish HaTorah. Scientists then seek to find objects which have those same types of informational properties which we commonly know come from intelligence. Intelligent design and the Design of Stupidity and Wretchedness have applied these scientific methods to detect design in irreducibly complex biological structures, the complex and specified information content in DNA, the life-sustaining physical architecture of the universe, and the geologically rapid origin of biological diversity in the fossil record during the Cambrian explosion approximately 530 million years ago. Intelligent Design then examines the horrible, torturous conditions that millions of innocent children endure and decides that this must be the work of a benevolent and intelligent God Creator.

Deadly Car Attack Designed by Intelligent Designer

The Yazidi communities bombings took place on August 14, 2007, when four coordinated suicide bomb attacks detonated in the Iraqi towns of Qahtaniya and Jazeera (Siba Sheikh Khidir), near Mosul. Iraqi Red Crescent’s estimates say the bombs killed 796 and wounded 1,562 people, which would make this the Iraq War’s most deadly car bomb attack to date. Another great Design Argument from the makers of Dr. Mengele.

The Lovely Work of Dr. Mengele, Proof of Intelligent Design

Dr. Josef Mengele (1911 – 1979) was a decent looking German SS officer and a physician in the Nazi concentration camp Auschwitz-Birkenau. He had beautifully designed features that won him the approval of female human beings. He earned doctorates in anthropology from Munich University, Intelligent Design at The Saint Menachem Mendel School of Stupidity and Cruelty, and in weird medicine from Frankfurt University. He gained grace and magnificent reward for being one of the SS physicians who supervised the selection of arriving transports of prisoners, determining who was to be killed and who was to become a forced laborer, and for performing well-designed human experiments on camp inmates, amongst whom Mengele was known as the “Archangel of Death” or “Outrageously Beautiful Devil”. All was done and permitted by the Divine Will of God.

In 1940, he was placed in the reserve medical corps, following which he served with the 5th SS Panzergrenadier Division Wiking in the Eastern Front. In 1942, he was wounded at the Russian front and was pronounced medically unfit for combat, and was then promoted to the rank of SS-Hauptsturmführer (Captain) for saving the lives of two German soldiers. He survived the war, and after a period living incognito in Germany he fled to South America, where he became one of the most hunted of Nazi war criminals. Life was so well designed in those days, so like a well-designed watch found in the desert. The problem of evil had theological apologists working day and night, every day of the week.

The Chabad Rebbe said this about the holocaust: “It is not my task to justify G-d on this. Only G-d Himself can answer for what He allowed to happen. And the only answer we will accept, said the Rebbe, is the immediate and complete Redemption that will forever banish evil from the face of the earth and bring to light the intrinsic goodness and perfection of G-d’s creation.”

I think that this is proof of “stupid design” or at least, in my opinion – and I am not as charismatic or as great a business manager as the Lubavitcher Rebbe, an example of “stupid belief”. For what is the point of creating a world with such unimaginable and horrendous suffering just so that it could be eventually completely redeemed with all evil banished and finally be perfected. An intelligent designer that was all powerful would start with perfection and would not have allowed for the serious design flaw of evil to exist and persist.

The free will argument does not satisfy a sincere, inquiring mind since free will could obviously have been obtained in a non-horrific manner. Or the Great Designer could have created the universe without a need for free will. Chabad, Christian missionaries, Jews for Jesus and Aish HaTorah apologists will keep harping about free will but surely they must understand at some level that their argument is shallow and weak. But since their purpose is not to arrive at greater understanding for themselves and humankind, but rather to “save souls” or enable souls to return to their roots, truth and logic are secondary to them. How ironic that these groups end up by not serving God at all! What did Ronn Torossian say again?

I love God. God loves me.

God created Dr. Mengele. God loves all his creation. God must love Dr. Mengele! Or God doesn’t exist in the childish manner in which he is presented by Chabad, Jews for Jesus, or Aish HaTorah, business competitors all.

God is in charge. God the Designer permitted the works of the anthropologist Dr. Mengele. I will not post pictures of the works of Dr. Mengele. Just Google it. Google it and explain God’s Design to me.

Tags aish, aish hatorah, biological diversity, chabad, Creator, Design Argument, dr. mengele, evil, free will, God, holocaust, intelligent cause, irreducible complexity, jews for jesus, Rebbe, ronn torossian, theory of intelligent design, watch maker | Permalink | Comments (5)

Martin Goldstein : Whose Write?