Jews for Jesus Executive Director David Brickner is calling for calm and unity in the wake of controversial evidence that Ed Sullivan is the true Messiah.

“It is absolutely absurd to say that Sullivan or any other variety show host is the true Messiah,” exclaimed an exhausted Mr. Brickner. “It is impossible that he would even qualify since he doesn’t fit the traditional criteria for a Messiah and he, like many other Messianic candidates before and after him, didn’t complete his job as Messiah before his death in 1974.”

Sullivan hosted a weekly variety show, The Ed Sullivan Show, which aired from 1948 until 1971. For about a decade before he died many of his television followers were convinced that he was the Messiah. This was not merely due to his awkward mannerisms and deadpan delivery nor with his visits to the puppet Topo Gigio, that little Italian mouse. He fulfilled many prophecies including introducing the Beatles to North American television audiences and banning the Rolling Stones from his show after they came on stage dressed in Nazi uniforms with Swastikas. After his death, most people stopped considering him to be the Messiah until the compelling evidence brought forth in recent days.

“The last thing we wanted to do was create a schism.” said a Jews for Jesus member who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We had hoped that the overwhelming evidence that Ed Sullivan is our Saviour and the Son of Man referred to by Daniel would persuade all of our brothers and sisters that Ed is the Man. We regret this but it looks like there will be a new group called Jews for Ed Sullivan.”

Critics of the supporters of the Ed Sullivan for Messiah campaign point out that he did not fulfill all of the criteria of the Messiah. Susan Perlman, Director of Communications for Jews for Jesus said “it just doesn’t add up. Sullivan did not gather the Jewish people from exile and return them to Israel. Neither did he rebuild the temple or rule at a time of world peace. These people should know this stuff backwards and forwards. It is all laid out in Ezekiel Chapter 37, verses 24-28. I mean, it is getting to the point where I am referring people to Jews for Judaism’s website so they can get this Messiah stuff straight.”

Members of the new Jews for Ed Sullivan splinter group insist that they will carry on regardless. They will create many offices around the world, launch many websites, stand at street corners and share the Good News about Ed Sullivan. They will unabashedly wear Jewish prayers shawls, eat challah and gefilte fish on Friday nights, refuse to pitch in the World Series on Yom Kippur, and sit in booths during the Feast of Tabernacles. “We can be authentically Jewish while accepting Ed Sullivan as the true and revealed Messiah. We believe that Ed Sullivan the Messiah will return personally in order to consummate the prophesied purposes concerning His kingdom.” stated the Jews for Ed Sullivan representative.