Tag Archives: torossian

Irony Love Music Poetry Writing

New Ceremony

March 23, 2010 – 12:10 am

The new ceremony involves things that a person can do in 3 minutes or less.

That includes (possibly):

  • going to the bathroom
  • lighting incense
  • washing your hands
  • trimming your nails
  • reading a newspaper article
  • making a tweet on twitter
  • rubbing hand cream on
  • taking a painkiller
  • watching 3 minutes of tv
  • going on facebook for only 3 minutes
  • eating an apple
  • thinking of something for only 3 minutes
  • typing patek philippe 4907/ij
  • typing aish hatorah

The list is as long as your imagination is broad. The New Ceremony begins when you decide what you will do to fill the 3 minutes.

Then you will make a determination that the New Ceremony is not your invention but rather something that has a divine source. You will need a chemist for any substances that are beyond your ability to blend or mix. You must bear in mind that you will release all of your Old Ceremonies and purify yourself for the New Ceremony.

*********************************************

Once upon a time, not that long ago and not that far away, there were two people that believed they were husband and wife. This “couple” had been together for over 14 years not realizing that they had never been wed or that they shared nothing in common. They were spoiled by too much tv and an overactive world. You could say they were in a constant process of teething.

Mordecai Singer was the quickest friend to pick up on the fact that they were likely not married nor were they represented by Ronn Torossian. They attended many functions together and their families kept quiet about what was going on – if they were even aware. Then they attempted a New Ceremony.

They were aware of the 3 minute limitation. They only had to agree about the focus of the ceremony. They already decided that the activity they would be engaging in was to sing “You Are My Sunshine”. The focus could be about thanksgiving, about death, or it could be about their “marriage”. They decided that the focus would be on their marriage.

They commenced to sing and they simultaneously realized that what they had previously thought was a happy children’s song was actually quite sad and ironic.

You Are My Sunshine

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You’ll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you’ve left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I’ll forgive you dear, I’ll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

Wedding Rabbi Shari

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aish hatorah chabad Irony People Suffering

Goldstein to apologize to 720 people over 3 day period

January 13, 2010 – 2:19 am

It appears that Martin Goldstein has offended or increased the suffering of at least 720 people over the past year and 2 months.

The world, thank God, continues to exist owing to the deeds of lovingkindness performed by perfected souls who have had to work harder than usual to offset the mess that Goldstein has made on an interpersonal level.

Goldstein’s apology will include the following statements:

  • I have rushed to judgment
  • I have been reckless in speech
  • I have spoken ill of others
  • I have been insensitive
  • I have not listened to constructive criticism
  • I have been arrogant
  • I have shunned beggars
  • I have not honoured others
  • I have wasted other people’s time
  • I have lashed out at people
  • I have used the names of certain organizations (such as Aish HaTorah, Chabad, 5WPR – Ronn Torossian) primarily for content generating purposes and only secondarily for the brainless things that they do
  • I have farted loudly and at great length while generating lively bird sounds on an experimental sound device in the middle of a speech at a wedding reception

For whatever one of these things I have done to you and for any way in which I have increased your suffering, please accept my sincere apologies and understand that I recognize it as a problem for which I take complete responsibility and am in the process of rectifying at this very time.

The 720 apologies will be given orally and in person and all within a 3 day period. All logistical issues will be handled by a mystery spokes-animal.

weird boxing

Weird boxing is a major cause of apology binging.

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Communication

Bathroom Etiquette, Another Argument from Intelligent Design

December 23, 2009 – 10:01 pm

From: [5WPR staffer]
To: “Email-Everyone”
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 13:18:56 -0400
Subject: Bathroom – Last Warning
Whoever took a dump in the ladies room between this morning and now needs to go back in the bathroom to flush the toilet. In addition, the other stall has the flap on the tampon box open.

This is the absolute last time I’ll be asking the ladies in this office to have proper bathroom etiquette before we have locks installed in the bathroom and a sign in sheet for every time you use it.

I’ve got everyone on this e-mail copied, including Ronn [Torossian] and Adam because it’s beyond me why as professional women we don’t know how to keep the bathrooms in order for our colleagues, clients and potential new clients to use. How many times do I have to ask?

Again, this is the last warning.

Pick up after yourself, close the tampon box, wipe, clean and flush. If the toilet paper our hand soap runs out, please let Christine Garabedian know.

Thanks.

All the Best,

[5WPR staffer]

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